Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I’m writing you a letter you will never read.  As difficult as this is, the need for me to express my love for you far exceeds the need to push this pain away.  It all happened so fast, I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it.

January 13, 2012 5:00 p.m. I got up from resting to use the bathroom. I had been having some slight stomach cramps throughout the day, so I thought I’d lay down for a bit.  While peeing; I felt something pass through me.  It wasn’t painful, but I knew it wasn’t right.  “Please God, ‘NO’”, I remember saying as I reached for the light.  I turned to see 2 drops of blood on the floor and my heart fell.  Realizing that gravity was not my friend right now; my first instinct was to lay on my bed.

Your Daddy and oldest brother, Blake, were at a soccer practice.  Thankfully, your 12 year-old brother, Ryan, was in his room and came running as soon as I called his name.  “Ry, something’s wrong, I need you to grab my cell phone so that I can call the Doctor.”

Now, 5:08, the Doctor was gone, but the service assured me she would call me back.  I hung up and asked Ryan if he would please pray, for I could not.  “Dear, Lord…” then the phone rang.  Dr. Silberstein assured me that cramping and spotting were normal in the first trimester (even though I’m in my 2nd).  As for the feeling of something passing through me – that she could not explain.  When I got off the phone, I knew I would have to investigate.  Ryan got me a towel, as I returned to the bathroom.  I told him, I have no idea what I’m about to pull out of here and if he wanted to leave I would completely understand.

“I’m staying,” came his unwavering answer.

I reached to the back of the toilet with strength that was not my own.   The next thing I remember is opening my hand to see you for the first time.  A perfectly intact 13 week old fetus.  I was shocked.

“That’s our baby”, Ryan blurted.

We stood there just staring at you in disbelief.  Your eyes were the bluest eyes I’d ever seen.  There were your legs and arms, I could even count your fingers and toes.   And from what I could tell, the boys would have gotten their wish for another brother.  You seemed to have all that you needed.  Why are you here so soon – too soon.

I pushed re-dial  on the phone and told my doctor what I held in my hand.  She of course was so sorry for my loss, but so surprised at the way it happened.  Most miscarriages are not that clean and few ever allow you to hold your baby, well at least not at 13 weeks.

I got off the phone and all I could think was, How do I put you back? I have to put you back! I mustered the strength to tell Ryan that for some reason this baby was needed more in heaven than on earth. I felt like I had to say something to make it okay. Most of the time your brother, Ryan, has a maturity beyond his years that I find a little scary, but days like today , it clearly is a gift and a blessing.  He calmly looked into my eyes and said, “Things happen for a reason”, and with that he hugged me, I mean he really hugged me.

We put you in a small glass bowl with some water so that Daddy and Blake could see you and say good-bye to you.  Ryan went off to his room for some alone time.  Unable to get a hold of your dad earlier, he called me back to see what was up.  Your conception was a bit of a surprise, but your untimely birth was a shock neither of us were prepared for.  He kept saying, “I am so sorry.” After 18 years of marriage I knew he meant he was sorry for all of us.  For the last 3 months the four of us would grow more and more excited each day.  We bonded as a family discussing your development, your gender and your possible name.  So excited when we could finally send your picture through emails, texts and Facebook to let all our friends and family know of our uncontainable joy.  Now, within only seconds, it was being taken away from us.

I got off the phone, and in God’s perfect timing, began going through the process of delivering the sack and all that comes with the miracle of birth.  (This was the step my doctor couldn’t explain me skipping).  But right then I knew…God gave me not only the opportunity to hold my baby, completely intact, without distraction or pain, but he waited on “the yucky stuff”.  He is a Just God, despite my grim situation.

By the time your dad and Blake walked through the door, the reality of it all had set in.  Ryan came out of his room and shared our sad news with Blake.  The two of them are so different.  Blake so much like your dad, not quite sure how to give in to his emotions.  Needing extra time to walk away and process things.  This worked out well, for Ryan and I had shared all the words we needed.  Now we all just shared understanding looks of heart-break and the comfort that can only come from the hug of someone who is feeling your same pain.

They saw you, were amazed by you, and then couldn’t look anymore.  Ryan and I kept coming back to you, learning something new that we hadn’t seen before, etching you in our memory.  But we all deal with grief differently and that’s perfectly okay.

I took this photo of you (above). It seemed strange to want to capture the moment. But I somehow had such a peace and I knew God was going to reveal things to me overtime.  Anyway, I didn’t find you gross and unfinished.  Honestly, you were one of the most precious things I had ever seen.   Seeing you made it real to me, to us, and I knew there were lots of others out there who too had fallen in love with the idea of you.  It might help them say good-bye as well.

Before I let you go, I want to tell you that your life was not a waste.  I am certain there are moments to come, lives that will be touched, and miracles we may never know about.  I am proud to be your mom and honored to have been able to hold you for a brief moment here on earth.  I will always remember January 13, as the day you came into the world and changed my life forever.  This will not be known as the date that I lost you, rather, the date that I glimpsed at eternity and felt the hand of God upon me.

So, goodbye my sweet baby, but just for a while.  I know with great certainty that I will see you again.  And I know until that day – you will be in the best of hands.

I love you,

Mommy

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34 Responses to Dear Baby

  1. Crystal says:

    Kim, God has always used you to encourage and challenge those of us around you. I think He planned your particular name for a time such as this (Wynottme). While I pray that you don’t have to endure such pain to encourage me to be who He created me to be, I am so looking forward to reading all you have to say. I haven’t looked through everything yet… but I hope you post your journal from Africa as well… I never ended up getting that and I know your pearls of wisdom from that trip would do my heart good:) I love you and am blessed to consider you a friend! Crystal

  2. wynottme? says:

    Wow Crystal, you blessed me right back!
    I guess God really knew what he was doing when he gave me a great husband with an unusual last name (extra bonus). I also hadn’t thought about sharing my Africa stories in this blog. I guess He used me there too. 🙂 I will prayerfully consider including them.
    Thank you sweet friend.

  3. Cathy Alfano says:

    Thank you for such a touching and personal look into your life.

  4. Melanie Sapon says:

    Kim, thank you for sharing this beautiful letter. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to read and be a part of your experience. May God bless you and continue to watch over you all!

  5. I need a facebook SHARE button here!

  6. Kathy Norman says:

    WOW! What a beautiful story. Keep writing your beautiful thoughts. Thank you Kim for sharing. May God keep blessing you and your family. I can’t stop crying. Tears on earth are just showers of love….

  7. Nancy Perez says:

    Such an amazing event in all your lives. Thank you for sharing and God’s peace to you all Nancy

  8. Jo Bargewell says:

    Kim, you have an amazing gift. The goose bumps covered me and the tears flowed. Thank you. Our love and thoughts are with you all.

    • wynottme? says:

      Thank you Auntie Jo! I’m so glad my family living in Australia can be a part of this journey with me. Please let everyone know that I am doing well and I know that God has a new plan for me. Xoxo

  9. Sheila King says:

    Kim,
    Thank you for your courage to share. it just shows me how great our God is and his grace and mercy is undeniable. God is using you mightly Kim to bring healing, hope, certainty and to share the love of Jesus of how he carried you through in a time that could of crush you. God is so Faithful. reading your letter to your baby brought me back to our conversation a couple months ago …about my Mom holding your baby. You’re right, God’s timing is not our timing.
    Your letter touched my heart. the part where you said…….
    “This will not be known as the date that I lost you, rather, the date that I glimpsed at eternity and felt the hand of God upon me”….that in inself is the wisdom of God. I’m so proud of you! I’m so glad that I found out tonight that you have a blog and for the first time I had the privilege to read your letter to your baby who is in your future and not your past.

    Love & Blessings,
    Sheila

    • wynottme? says:

      Oh Sheila,
      What a gift you are to me. Thank you for the reminder that my baby is in my future, not in my past. I will forever hold on to that truth. The day I meet my baby, I will ask him to introduce me to your mom. Knowing that she went to be with the Lord just 2 days before my baby did, is an example of God’s precious timing.
      I am so glad God brought us together. You are one of those forever friends that is not only part of my present, but part of my future as well. Love you.

  10. Michelle says:

    Hi. I have to say that after reading your post, it made me think of how I miscarried 4 years ago. I thought I was having strong stomach pains due to an onset of a period but it turned out that I was having a miscarriage. I called the doctor and showed her a picture of my 4 to 5 month along baby that I was holding in my hands and she told me “it” was something else. Ever since then I don’t see that doctor anymore. I named my daughter and someday I will get a tattoo of her name somewhere on me. 🙂 But what is soo interesting is that God has shown me pictures in my dreams of what she could have looked like and everytime I hear His voice telling me that it’s her… I cry and then I say thank you, thank you, thank you for telling me she’s ok and that I will always have her with me no matter what. She will always be my joy and the air that I breathe. Thank you sooo much for posting you are an inspiration. Love always Michelle

    • wynottme? says:

      Wow! To be 20 weeks along and not have known you were pregnant, that’s incredible. I am so glad to hear that God has given you such a peace. And Michelle, our babies are not part of our past, they are part of our future. I cling to that everyday. If you have not read the book, Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo, I suggest you do. There is a very tender story about a miscarried baby, told through the experience of a 4 year old. It will bless you, I promise! Excited for the day when your dream comes true.
      Love, Kim

  11. Lahoma says:

    a friend shared this on Facebook…..I couldn’t help but read it. I think you bridged a gap between ProLife (which I am) and ProChoice…..your baby wasn’t about that….it seams that he embodied your hopes and dreams and even the love your family shares for each other. You referred to not seeing him as “unfinished” and that was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. It was as if I held my own baby (I lost at 9 weeks) through you.

    • wynottme? says:

      Thank you Lahoma for posting this. I believe that Jesus lost His life in order to bring healing to a broken world. I am now seeing how God allowed the loss of this little life to bring healing to broken moms. And if we openly accept the gift that Christ’s death promises us; then you can rest assure that you will hold your baby with your own hands one day. But until then, I am more than happy to share the vision of my little one with you. I’m glad you too, could be touched by his tiny, yet amazing life.
      Love, Kim

  12. Thank you so much for sharing this story. I know that this story will change many hearts. Thank you for letting God use you in this way. The impact that your baby will have on so many is profound. Truth and beauty. Thanks so much for sharing the gift of your baby with others.

  13. wynottme? says:

    You are so very welcome. I couldn’t agree with you more; this baby was a gift. The very fact that God would allow ME this experience, is an honor. How could I not share what he has done. Given the fact that we don’t know each other, makes your words above that much more meaningful. For me it is confirmation that God is at work, touching all who take this story in.
    Thank you for your encouragement,
    Kim

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  15. Such an intimate story, so beautifully told. God bless you for sharing. I will keep the sharing going as I reblog your story.

  16. Stephanie says:

    I was so touched by your story. I am so sorry for your loss. May God be with you and your family.

  17. Sarah SB says:

    Hi Kim,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I couldnt help but cry while reading this.
    Whatever big plans we may have for our children, God’s plans for them are so much bigger and His love for them, immeasurable. Indeed, your child is in the best of hands. Right now, he’s probably dancing and singing his little heart out to the Lord!
    God bless you and your family!

    Love and prayers from the Philippines 🙂

    • wynottme? says:

      Immeasurable indeed…not sure if you have had a chance to read my latest post entitled Jeremiaha’s Journey…but it truly shows what God can do with one tiny life.
      Thanks for your comment my International Follower. BTW I sponsor I child in the Phillippines.:)
      God Bless,
      Kim

  18. Jessica says:

    Thank you so much for this. I just had a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks. It took me almost a week but after having the D&C and not getting to see my little guy or girl I just had to know what he or she might’ve looked like… Just for closure. Your heart wrenching and touching story and the picture truly brought me to tears. But I am so happy I can see what might have been… Thank you for this. I am sorry for your loss, but as you know we will meet them again in heaven!

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  20. RM Foster says:

    I came across your blog today, because our daughter lost her baby yesterday at 13 1/2 weeks along. It is our first grandchild and we all were so looking forward to holding him and kissing him. Unfortunately that is not to be. We also have decided to have a funeral, because he WAS somebody, a little teeny tiny somebody, to all of us. Thank you so much for this story. I’m still so sad, but I felt better after reading this and knowing we made the right decision and that we are not all alone out here. We will forever love our beloved angel.

  21. Ishtar says:

    I’m generally a cold hearted and what some people like to call an “emotionally Stable” woman but this broke my heart. You’re such an inspiration. Your strength and positive attitude is an inspiration. Thank you for Sharing

    • wynottme? says:

      Thank you so much! It’s been over 4 years since that day and to see and read about all the lives that have been touched by Jeremiah’s impact, makes the broken heart worth it. For true inspiration, read Jeremiah’s Journey. God truly is amazing!
      Grateful for your kind words,
      Kim

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