I never intended anyone to read that letter (see previous “Dear Baby” post). I wrote it only the morning after I had miscarried. It took me over 3 hours to write and an entire tissue box to get through it. But when I was done, I felt a peace that can only come when we open ourselves up completely to Him.
I was perfectly content – to end my story here. Afterall, in the 18 hours since I had miscarried, God had already done so much. The letter was meant just for me, as a way to say good-bye and begin the healing process…so I thought.
As I stood up from the computer, Ryan entered the room. “What have you been doing all this time?”
“I wrote the baby a letter”
“Can I read it?”
I hesitated, then figured – why not? Afterall, he did experience this alongside me. As my toughest critic, I was also sure he would hold me accountable for every word. (For those of you who have kids, you know how quick they can be to point out little inaccuracies or holes in any story.) So I bravely said, “Sure”, and then added, “…but it’s rather long, it’s okay if you don’t finish it.”
After taking a shower, which felt more like a warm hug with the hope of a fresh start, I returned downstairs. To my surprise, Ryan was still at the computer. With eyes filled with tears that had not yet reached his cheeks he looked up at me and said, “It’s really good, Mom.”
“Did you read the whole thing?”
Before the weekend was over, I felt a tug on my heart to send the letter to the ladies in my Bible Study. I knew they would be as amazed and blessed as Ryan and I were. After once again being well received, I decided to send it to the members of my immediate family and closest girlfriends.
Initially, I questioned God’s timing. He waited for me to attach myself to this little life. Until I had let everyone know. Only to have to go back and humbly tell them all, our baby won’t be coming.
As difficult as this was, a chain reaction of grace, love, and purpose began to take its place on the path God had already lay ahead.
There is so much that has happened and continues to happen, it would be impossible to fit it into a single post. So, here are the blessings from week 1…
One friend shared that when she lost her baby, she planted a rose-bush in her garden to always remember him by. All I said was, “what a great idea”…5hours later there was a white rose-bush on my door step. Which, incidentally, is now in or back yard with our tiny baby buried beneath it.
At first, I wished I had never gone “viral” and made our pregnancy announcement on Facebook. Now having to post that “our family learned this weekend how fragile life is” wasn’t easy and, thankfully, didn’t warrant a single “Like”. But when the comments and messages of prayer, love and support began pouring in on an hourly basis my heart-felt as if it would burst. I had no idea so many people had that much compassion for me and were so pained by my suffering.
Galatians 6:2 tells us to Bear each others Burdens. This is exactly what happened…it was as if God gave a little bit of my pain to each person who had invested themselves into my story, and after a while, there was hardly any pain left for me to bear.
Cards, Letters and emails thanking me for sharing something so personal and in turn many shared personal details of their own past losses. Some were friends, but there were others I had never shared a bond with, until now. Woman of varying ages, from different circles of my life identified with the loss of a child. Whether their baby died through a miscarriage or an abortion, the proof of life through my baby’s photo was undisputable. I was taken back by comments like: “If I had seen that photo as a teen, my baby would be 30 years old now.” Another woman, weeping, told me that for 15 years she had been pushing away the pain of her miscarriage. After reading the letter and seeing exactly what her 13 week old fetus must have also looked like, she now knows she has 3 children, not just her current two.
Three days after my miscarriage, a delivery service brought me a dozen Tulips. The card simply read: You are perfectly and wonderfully made, a prized possession to your Heavenly Father. May the peace of God that surpasses all earthly understanding guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. You are deeply loved. Your Heavenly Father.
To this day, I have no idea which “Earthly Angel” God used to send me those flowers…and I’m glad. He placed the idea in someone’s heart. For me, knowing the “middle-man” is less important. Those flowers are from God, delivered straight to my doorstep!
After reading “Dear Baby” a friend told me, “I can’t believe your strength – I would have just crawled in a hole and shut down for a few weeks.” (and she’s a pastor’s wife). ;)Honestly, I would have thought that would have been my reaction too. But when I woke up the morning after I miscarried – staying under the covers was not an option. I could feel the weight of the Holy Spirit on my heart, telling me – Go Write! It was as if I would never breath properly again until I obeyed.
…and I’m so glad I did.